If I starred in a real-life romance film, I would never even make it to the initial meeting.
Confession: I am not a hopeless romantic. I am much more practical than emotional. Sorry, but love isn’t everything when there’s a secret war happening about who’s gonna do the dishes. Yet again. (It happens, don’t lie.) Getting a new drill excites me more than a diamond bracelet. I don’t miss you if I’m going to see you after work for dinner. Don’t get me wrong, please tell me you love me, that you think I’m beautiful and you can’t live without me but don’t be creepy about it. And do the dishes for me.
Here’s a list of what I do wrong and why I will never get the part as lead actress in a Romance Film:
Conversations don’t end with a song and scene change…. finish your sentence. Ask why! For Pete’s sake, say something. Anything. What? No hello? No goodbye? I feel used. Does anyone else feel like this is rude? Salutations are essential, folks.
I don’t have a hidden singing talent no one knew about to woo you with
If I could sing I wouldn’t be here writing, I’d be on tour.
I don’t know how to dance
I’d be the only one not dancing, missing the perfect opportunity for Mr. Right to dance beside me.
I don’t think stalking is not normal
Stop following me. You’re creeping me out. I’d get a restraining order. Even if they are extremely cute. And most especially if they are extremely rich.
I’d take a hint
I won’t be writing you a letter every day for 2 years, won’t be building you a house- down to the exact detail we talked about ONCE or bringing you a coffee at $5 a cup every day until you notice me.
I think keeping secrets is wrong
Don’t get me wrong, if you think I am fat I don’t need to know, but if you investigate me and my entire family or watch me, uninvited, while I am sleeping, you’re out.
I don’t think fighting is endearing
If you are fighting with some other guy who fell in love with me in the middle of my holiday party while wearing a 3 piece suit, you’re out. Save that for fighting for my honor. Then you’re in.
I wouldn’t give up my magical powers
If I am immortal with the power to do whatever I want, I’m gonna hold on to that, thank you. Especially if I am an angel.
I wouldn’t fall in love with the paranormal activity happening around me
I’d move. I’d call an exorcist. I wouldn’t be around long enough to have a loving relationship with a ghost.
I’m not a prize to be won
If you took a bet with your buddies on being with me, you’re out.
I’d don’t like kissing in unusual places
Kissing in the rain or when a building is going up in flames isn’t my first thought in those moments. Shelter, safety, will to live- now, those cross my mind.
Confession #2: Okay, I’ll admit, I actually like some Romantic Films despite it going against my better nature… but in case you didn’t notice, I don’t star in any.
Good thing I am already married. To a hopeless romantic.